... all heads tend to fall behind, wasted withers of the wish cut steeper is always running out of time." - Motion City Soundtrack
Running out time, huh..hm...
So as I sit here, a bit buzzed from white wine, I am of course, thinking about the end of study abroad. In a week and a half, my new American friends will fly off back to that land that seems so oddly close but still so far away. Home. And it's weird.
I've never been good with endings; I'll admit to that freely. Those sayings about every ending being a new beginning, or every closing door opening another, or, it's not a goodbye, it's a see you later (my personal least favorite) never cut it for me. Sure, I know it's true. Something else is going to start when this ends; I get it. But that never makes it any easier for me. I remember back to the summer before my freshman year of college, remember talking to my brother's former room mate, and he was asking me how I felt about getting ready to go to school. I told him I was excited for college, but not sure about leaving what I had right then. He told me that was great...nothing better than loving where you are and being excited about where you're going.
Yeah, he was right. What he said is still right. How could anything be better than that? But here's the catch. There's an in-between - a transition. And that's what trips me up, like switching from 4/4 common time to 6/8. It's hard for it to be smooth. I'm just not good at it. I don't know what it means, really, or what I want. Do I want things to last forever? I don't think so...I'm not that naive or short sighted. But what I've realized is that in-between bit? It's terrifying. At least for me.
Here's the thing. I always brace myself; always. I make changes, endings, harder on myself, because I'm strained, I'm trying to hold on, stand in front of time and stop it, but that's roughly as successful as throwing your coffee cup at the train when it's leaving without you because you were a few minutes late. I can't stop time, but I try, I brace myself for the affect it's going to have on me, some sort of life changing epiphany that comes from a new phase in life. But guess what...it never happens. Sure, it's a shock. Certainly, things are different. But it's like I clench my fists, close my eyes, tense up my jaw and wait - and when I open my eyes, it's different, but I didn't feel a thing. Do I want to feel something? Would that make it better, easier? I don't know...but I don't. It just... is. Time just goes, goes and goes, and as much as we feel left behind by it sometimes, truth is, it's our time, so really, we're right there whether we like it or not.
I'm not saying nothing has changed. A lot has. Hell, I feel like a completely different person than I was ten months ago. But could I tell you precisely when it happened? Not a chance. That's how it always is. College changed me from the girl who graduated in 2007, and if you wanted to know when, I'd toss a dart at a calendar and tell you plus or minus 9 days. And this summer will happen, I'll stay here working or doing whatever it is I'll be doing in Leuven until August, and I'll brace myself again, fall asleep on a plane, be back in Philadelphia, PA, and you know what? I'll be in Philadelphia PA, and I'll keep going. Then I'll brace myself again and move into my house for senior year. And I'll open my eyes and be living with 5 other girls in Baltimore. And I'll brace myself again and again, and my life will change and move on. But the truth of the matter is, bracing myself for it, being scared of the end? It's pointless. The real shocks, the things I need braced for? Those will hit me when I haven't more than a minute to realize what's going on. Those are the big things...the things worth worrying about probably won't be something I can prepare for in advance.
I guess what I'm saying is, life moves on, and sometimes you're in such a rhythmic motion that you don't even realize it, 'til you've switched tracks and it's smooth because it's been planned all along. So endings like this? Like the end of an absurdly wonderful experience? That's a smooth track switch, not a de-rail, so I suppose I should save my worries for a real shock.
Maybe now it would be appropriate to explain the title of my blog, "be careful if you turn around." Truth of the matter about this blog is, I don't know who reads it, really. Occasionally people will mention it, and it feels great...to know people take the time to read what I have to say. So for anyone who does, if you've been wondering about the title, here it is. When I was in middle school, I went to a John Mayer concert with two friends and my parents in Philadelphia. My dad was driving the car, and we parked in a parking garage near the venue. Concert was great, and when we left, my dad handed the woman the ticket and the cash for the fare. She saw the exit we were pointed to, and told my dad, "It's a one-way street out there - be careful if you turn around." My friends and I joked about how metaphorical it was. And you know what? The words of that parking attendant always stick in the back of my mind. Be careful when you turn around...but don't be too careful, or you'll be stuck in the garage.
