Do I feel any different? Sure. Don't we always with a new year? Don't we always expect a change, or a fresh start, or promise ourselves a few new life changes? In my opinion, January can often equal identity crisis. More so than a birthday I think, a new year is more poignant a meter of the passage of time.
I don't have a new year's resolution. I've never really done that. I'm not against the idea; however, the argument that you shouldn't need the dials to turn in order to make goals does seem logical. Anyway, I never seem to "resolve" to much. Maybe I'm afraid I won't accomplish it. Maybe I'm perfect and don't need to change. Maybe I'm overwhelmed and can't choose one. Or maybe it's just that I don't understand what another year sums up to in my life.
Now I'm thinking about 2010. I think about the year itself. How does one even say it? Do you say, two thousand and ten? Twenty ten? It's a year that can't even say it's own name. This year, I'm going away from home again, longer this time. I'm planning trips to more amazing destinations, I'll get a new room mate, I'll be further out of the loop, I'll need to have a downpayment on a house in Baltimore by the time I come home, I'll be looking toward senior year, I'll be needing to find an internship, I'll need to figure out what I want to do with my life to pick an appropriate internship...what the hell 2010? I don't even know what your name is, and look what you're throwing at me.
I was home in Lancaster, PA for two weeks. Home has never felt so different. I don't think Lancaster has changed much, I know I have. It's like a puzzle, and I'm a piece that got wet, or got torn, or got lost. I don't quite fit. Or perhaps it's more like as more of the puzzle came together, I needed to be shifted a bit. Either way, I'm different here. Things haven't changed, the times haven't been a changin', just me. And here's the thing; if I'm not the same at home, well, then, where am I the same? That is to say, where can I locate myself where I'm not in a state of identity shift? Maybe it's nowhere. I think I can relate to the year 2010; after all, I don't really know what to call myself right now.
First my sweet girl, thanks for the link.
ReplyDeleteSecond -I love the way you paint your pictures of your experiences with words we are all there with you.
You are s a natural writer and communicator. The juxtaposition of you thoughts...provocative and enrolling. You may want a certain degree of wealth and I am not sure just what that will look like for you,but you have what It takes. We all have are pictures.I feel so very enriched when I read your thoughts and your questioning. Since I have been on this path with you almost since birth may I say.. What I see is you are now embrassing the strength in yourself,that has always been there. I have witness this in your behavior since the first time we spoke. I know you may be experiencing everything as different but consider this the only thing that has changed is your perception, and your interpretations. That my dear is something we all search for, "the wisdom experience, when we finally get it." Some of us embrace this moment, others don't trust the journey and become terrified of each step. I have see the fear.
They will lock themselves into some fundamental and organizing state of the mind. They want their seeing of things to live with out question only the answers.
Not changing becomes their lover their drug of choice... You are in the best shape I have ever witnessed. For those brief moment when we had a hug or a smile and even to the trimming of your hair, my instincts tell me you are exactly were you INTENDED yourself to be. The discovery of wisdom,ah yes the sweet nectar of life. You my dear friend embrace your site.
Find a way to share it with one or many. The discovering of one of your purposes in life. Now you must keep going. You will love who you are, there are many who already do.